My Pregnancy Journey Part 2: Experiencing Loss

Note: If you haven’t read Part 1, click here.

May 27, 2019, my life was changed forever. I was literally on cloud 9. I could not believe that I was actually pregnant! I immediately told my mom and one of my cousins that I’m really close to. I was dreaming of meeting my little one…wondering if I was having a girl or boy. It all felt so surreal. Never did a negative thought cross my mind. I never felt the need to be cautious nor did my mind drift to the possibility of a miscarriage. In my mind I didn’t believe that could happen. My husband and I had been praying for this blessing so why would something go wrong?

The next day I went to work so excited. Even one of my co-workers said I was glowing. Since she noticed something different about me, I shared the good news with her. As the week went on, I felt so much joy. I talked to my baby even though I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. I scheduled a photo shoot so that my husband and I could do a cute pregnancy announcement. I ordered cute onesies from Etsy so that we could announce to his parents and my dad that they were going to be grandparents. Like I said, it never crossed my mind that this pregnancy wasn’t viable.

Saturday, June 1, 2019, I woke up filled with excitement. My husband and I were going out to LA for a friend’s surprise birthday party. On our way to the surprise party, we made a stop at the barbershop so that my husband could get a haircut. I went in with my husband and ended up having to sit in one of the most uncomfortable seats. I started having severe back pain. I didn’t think anything of it because back pain is normal in pregnancy. I ended up having to go to the restroom while waiting. I soon discovered that I was spotting. My anxiety kicked in to overdrive, but I prayed and reassured myself it was normal after googling “spotting in early pregnancy”.

After my husband got his hair cut, I told him that I had some spotting. He reassured me that everything would be okay and we headed to our friend’s surprise party. When we got there, I had to go to the restroom again and my spotting had increased. I called my mom hysterical. She prayed with me and tried to calm me down. She suggested that I sit down, relax, and try not to worry. Once again, trusty google reassured us both that spotting in early pregnancy was normal. I headed back over to my husband and the rest of the party. I tried sitting and relaxing, but something didn’t feel right. I did not feel like it was just normal pregnancy spotting. I felt like this was the beginning of the end.

My husband came to check on me and I told him that I think we should go to urgent care. My husband told our friend what was going on to explain why we had to leave the party suddenly. She was very understanding and reassured us that she was praying for us and a good outcome. We quickly rushed to the closest urgent care and waited. While we were waiting, the spotting turned into light bleeding. When I was finally seen by the doctor, he had me do bloodwork to check my HCG levels. He informed me that I was having a threatened miscarriage, and that everything could just turn out fine or I may lose the baby.

Although this news was discouraging, I still held on to hope that everything would turn around and that my baby would be okay. I had another friend of mine pray with me and she encouraged me. Throughout that weekend the bleeding continued. That Monday I went back to the doctors to have my HCG levels checked. I was excited because my HCG had increased since Saturday. It hadn’t doubled but it had increased quite a bit. This gave me some hope. I also called to schedule my initial appointment with my OB. I held on to hope that things would turn around. However, the next day at work, the bleeding increased heavily. My heart was broken. I didn’t understand why this was happening. I called my mom and she met me at the doctors. My doctor had my HCG checked again. It was still high, but it had dropped since Monday. My doctor took me off from work for two weeks and put me on bedrest in hopes that the bleeding would stop.

During my time off I did some serious spiritual warfare. I prayed, got before God in worship, and confessed the prayers and promises from the book Prayers and Promises for Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. I would be up at 1, 2, 3 in the morning praying, confessing scriptures, and singing praises to God. I knew that no matter what the outcome was, He was all I needed and He would bring healing. During this time in worship, 2 Samuel 12:16-23 came to me. It’s the story of when God condemned David for committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband, Uriah. As a result of that adultery, Bathsheba became pregnant. As part of the consequences for what David did, the child became ill. David fasted, prayed, and worshiped. He knew what God had said regarding the child, but He still had hope that God would spare the child. When the child passed, David worshiped God once more, cleaned himself up, and then ate. His attitude and how he handled the situation surprised his servants. They expected him to be depressed following the child’s death, but he wasn’t. He trusted for God’s will to be done, interceded for his child, but respected God’s ultimate decision. That story brought me so much peace. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be, but either way I was going to trust God and I was going to intercede for my child.

Although I had took the same stance as David, it was a trying time. I had my prenatal intake during this time. My husband came with me and it was a very draining experience. I was still bleeding and the nurse practitioner over the intake was very cold and direct. She pretty much told me there was no hope and that I could try again in the future. We still had to go through our family history and she gave me the packet that they give all pregnant women. It was so heartbreaking for me. I had to get bloodwork done including checking my HCG. I had requested to have my progesterone checked in hopes that if it was low I could just take progesterone suppositories, but she said at this point it would be useless.

The following day the cramping intensified. I had my mom take me to the ER to see if I could have an ultrasound done. I ended up getting more bloodwork and an ultrasound done. The ultrasound confirmed that my uterus was empty. There was no sign of a gestational sac. The doctor stated that it could be too early or I could have passed the gestational sac already. They also saw a cyst on one of my ovaries. The doctor stated that she was concerned that I may have had an ectopic pregnancy. She also said it was possible that it was just the corpus luteum cyst that pregnant women get to produce progesterone in the first trimester. She then told me that the best course of action would be to get an injection of methotrexate, which would stop the pregnancy. She also stated that I would have to wait at least 6 months before trying to conceive again because the methotrexate is a form of chemotherapy. I then had to do a pelvic exam, which was painful and excruciating. Tears flowed down my eyes throughout all of it. I was so confused and didn’t know what to do. I had heard horror stories of women who had ectopic pregnancies and how they ended up losing a fallopian tube due to the ectopic pregnancy.

My mom requested that the doctor give us a minute to discuss our options. When the doctor left the room, I just cried on my mom’s shoulder. What was supposed to be a joyous time in my life turned into a nightmare. She prayed over me and I instantly felt at peace. I knew what I had to do. I informed the doctor that I wouldn’t get the injection since she wasn’t 100% sure if it was an ectopic pregnancy or just the corpus luteum cyst. I could tell she did not agree with my decision, but I had my mind set up. At the time I wasn’t sure what was God’s purpose for all of this, but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. Since I refused the injection, she had me get my HCG levels checked every other day to ensure that my levels were dropping. That night I went home and began to experience labor pains. The pain was excruciating. All I could do was curl up in a ball and cry. I also started passing large clots and tissue. I knew I was having a miscarriage.

My heart broke for the loss of my child. My heart broke for my husband who had to watch me endure this pain and could not do anything to help relieve it. My heart broke for us both and the loss of us becoming parents. My heart was just broken. Despite the pain and the trauma, I had peace over the situation. I knew that God would bring me through and would bring healing to my aching heart. I was so grateful for all the love that my friends, family, and church showed me and my husband. Our Pastors sent us flowers and the leader of the ministry I serve in bought us dinner. The overwhelming love we received was such a blessing during such a difficult time.

Miscarriage is not something to be taken lightly. It’s not just a heavy period. It is the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter if it was in early pregnancy or later, it is still a loss. You connect with that child from the first moment you find out you’re pregnant. You make plans and have hopes and dreams for that child even though you don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy. Speaking as someone who has had to endure such a loss, do not be that person that gives a flippant response such as, “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least it happened early” or “You can always try again.” After losing a child, you start to question yourself. You wonder if you did something wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that box? Or maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that particular food? Although miscarriage usually indicates that there was something genetically wrong with the fertilized egg, you still wonder if there was something you could have done to prevent it. It’s also not so easy to just “try again”. You fear that if you try again you will have another miscarriage. That brings so much anxiety. So please, please, be understanding and patient with those who have endured a miscarriage. You don’t fully understand the wave of emotions it brings until you’ve experienced it yourself.